Our Identity Crisis

Because of the challenging times we are in, I’m coaching an ever-increasing number of people who are finding themselves in career transition. Leaving aside financial concerns, the most challenging aspect of this is that people are having to rethink their identity. In other words, they are being forced to reassess who they really are above and beyond any role they may play, or job they may have had.

Think about what happens when we start a conversation with someone new. After the introductions are made the follow-up is usually ‘what do you do?’ We answer it by saying ‘I am an accountant,’ ‘I am a teacher,’ ‘I am a coach,’ ‘I am a nurse,’ ‘I am unemployed.’ Of course we are much more than our professions. But if you can no longer say ‘I am a solicitor,’ or ‘I am a banker,’ or ‘I am a trainer,’ then what do you say?

We all play different roles in life - parent, child, sibling, employee, boss, friend and many more. We may be different people or display different aspects of our personality depending on who we are with and what we are doing.

But who is the real you?

The more roles you play, where perhaps you are trying to be all things to all people, you will, over time, stretch yourself in so many directions, you will lose sight of which role, if any, is the real you.

In my talks and workshops I often speak about the concept of Comfort Zone. What is within our comfort zone is known, familiar and certain. Our identity also rests within our comfort zone because we have a habit of how we view ourselves and what we think we are capable of. When we are going through a period of significant change, like losing a job, changing profession, facing a significant challenge, our approach is dictated by the beliefs we hold about ourselves and our capabilities.

If you are more than your profession then who are you?

Here are 5 questions and exercises that will help you find the answer.

• Who are you when there is no one else around?

• Give yourself a minute or two for this one. Sit in a quiet place where there are few distractions. Close your eyes and observe the thoughts that pop into your mind. When you have done this answer this question – who was thinking the thoughts and who was observing them?

I operate from a place where I believe that the real unchanging me, is the one who observes the thoughts that go through my head. Nick Williams, the author and speaker puts it beautifully when he says ‘who we really are is the silent witness to the roles we play.’

The best way to access that inner you is by having some quiet time to yourself, a time to connect and focus. Many people will distract themselves by any means they can, so they do not have to think at this deeper level. They will watch TV, have music in the background, text, play with the X-box, surf the web etc. because they are not comfortable simply ‘being’ in their own company with their own thoughts. But no matter where you go, what you do, you are still there!

• 3. The Quiet Time Challenge

Give yourself the gift of Quiet Time. Sit in a room without distractions for just 15 minutes. No TV, no radio, no books or magazines, no clock, no one else around. Just sit, stare into space or close your eyes. If you are used to meditation, than this will be no chore for you. For others you will find this very challenging. You won’t be able to sit still; your mind will be racing. Let your thoughts just drift in and out. Take that step back and observe your mind having these thoughts.

I make sure I have at least 3 ‘Quiet Times’ each week. They are a wonderful way to unwind and I have found not a week goes by when I don’t get an idea or insight when I quieten my mind. Although it may be difficult at first, having ‘Quiet Times’ will connect you with your inner self, that silent witness to the roles you play.

• What characteristics do you display when no one else is about?
• If you were to be yourself 100% - who would you be? What would you be doing more of and what would you be doing less of.

These are challenging times. We no longer have the same level of certainty in many things we took for granted, the property boom, the banking system, our jobs and income. Times like these also force us to question more deeply held beliefs about ourselves and our life direction. If we come out the far side wiser and maybe even more fulfilled, then perhaps there is a silver lining.

Lastly, the next time you are in conversation with someone instead of asking ‘what do you do?’ ask ‘what interests you?’ Isn’t it time we interacted people rather than their roles.

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